I’m getting quite annoyed with myself when it comes to this blog. It brings me such happiness, but I’m having such a hard time keeping it up.

To be honest, I’m having a bit of a hard time overall right now, which I think is making it a challenge to get anything extracurricular done. I was trying to wait until I felt a bit more positive before coming back, but that just feels dishonest and not a real reflection of my life right now. So, hi internet. I’m (trying!) to be back. I’m a bit down right now but I have a lot to update you on, and such a huge backlog of travel I barely know where to start.

As I said earlier, I’m living in London now, and quite honestly I’m finding it hard to adjust to life in England. I miss Spain a million times more than I thought I would. I feel my Spanish rapidly slipping away–I’ve signed up for two Spanish courses here, one was far too easy and one was canceled just last week. Still looking for the right fit/any fit.

Life is hard – we’re living in the midst of grief and also adjusting to living together (or even in the same country) for the first time, I’ve unexpectedly moved countries, started a job in a new field, and everything just feels hard and sad and a bit hopeless right now.

I’m also struggling because instead of traveling, or planning on traveling, I’m having to put down roots. I have a job in a field I love, that could lead to me working abroad in international development. That is a huge goal. But it was an eventual one. After I had traveled and learned a few languages and experienced so much more of the world. I also never planned on ending up in London, once I did settle down. Because I’ve always thought it was a hard place to live, and I don’t think I’m wrong! All my friends who live here have plans to move in the next few years. London is where the jobs are, but not where the housing is, or any real room for growth. It’s overcrowded, overpriced, and and usually raining–everyone just kind of struggles to get through, and that’s not really my ideal tone in a city.

I also know it’s one of the most exciting cities in the world with everything on offer, but my reality is I can afford to live in a suburb miles outside where we can barely find more than two or three places to go for dinner. The pub culture that was so fun when I was a student feels repetitive and draining now. I think cities have personalities, and Boston and London remind me of each other. A bit tough, a kind of “grin and bear it” attitude. LA felt like everyone had a dream and a goal and so much hope and enthusiasm. Spain was like that to an extent, and I was also living out such a dream that nothing could really get me down. Logrono was tiny but I was in the very center of everything. London is huge and I am on the outside. I spend three hours a day commuting to/from work, and it’s dark all the hours of the day I’m not in the office.

I know I need a major attitude change. I’m sitting here complaining when what I need to be doing is finding a way to like it here, to see it as the opportunity it is instead of feeling like I’m stuck in a situation I don’t want to be in. But the thing about roots is they go deep. It was so, so hard to leave LA, and I wasn’t even in a job I loved. I’m so scared if I settle in here, in the right career, I’ll never leave, and I’ll wake up in a decade wondering how I let my life pass by without doing the things I have so desperately dreamed of doing. Then I wonder what I’m doing here, if I’m planning on leaving, because all I’m doing is investing time into a job and a life that I’m not planning on making permanent. I feel confused and homesick for Spain, or LA, or back to a time when I had an idea of what my future would be and felt like I was actively working towards accomplishing my goals. Like I said, attitude adjustment needed!